A pair of underground telephone cables that were severed Thursday along Gray Highway in Macon disrupted phone service to hundreds of BellSouth customers. As many as 3,600 phone lines were affected.

Service will be restored gradually as repairs are made. Residents and businesses affected are in the Gray Highway-Shurling Drive area of east Macon.

A treasure search party boring between North Avenue and Clinton Road cut the lines, but BellSouth district manager Terry Smith said that he was "not at liberty to say" who the "lame-brained knucklehead" was. "It's actually taken us most of the day to get the cable uncovered and exposed," Smith said. "The biggest problem is getting to the cable. It's underground, under pavement, encased in conduit."

The busted lines are about 10 feet down. Emergency cell phones were being provided to some nursing and elder-care facilities.

School board deficits have prompted some in the area to renew searches for old Confederate gold that was rumored to be buried "on a hillside east of the Ocmulgee." According to an anonymous source, the treasure search promptly ended when the boring equipment became tangled in phone wires.

The Bibb County school board started chipping away at the $57 million difference between the initial and most-recent cost estimates on its system-wide facilities improvement plan.

In a series of meetings, board members have reviewed insurance programs, food-service plans, old promises and other means for possible savings or revenue enhancement.

Schools Superintendent Sharon Patterson recommended the central-kitchen plan, saying it will help the system most in the long run. "But, I really don't want all those people in my kitchen every day and heating up my house with the ovens," Patterson said.

Ebenezer Wheezer, a school board finance bean-counter, suggested that the Board could renege on its promises to restore Clisby and Alexander II Elementary School and thus save money.

"Heavens, no, we'd have those Macon Heritage people on us like white on rice," Patterson said.

Among the proposed solutions, the only ones approved by the Board were ways to increase school board revenues. High schools will hold car washes, middle schools will have bake sales and lemonade stands and elementary schools will sell candy bars.

"We hope the citizens of Bibb County will do their part to help the schools by eating LOTS of candy bars and cookies and keeping their cars clean," Patterson said.

New public works director pushes recycling, especially of mayors

Macon's new public works director and designated slave master wants to restore Macon's recycling program.

Dexter White, 37, helped initiate the program when he was hired as the area's recycling coordinator in 1991. In 1994, White left Macon to take a job as solid-waste coordinator in Albany and later as the solid-waste director for Augusta as well.

The city council Public Works and Engineering Committee appointed White as the new director of public works and designated slave master at its last meeting. White expects to begin Feb. 21.

"Given my expertise in solid-waste, I'd like to restore the recycling program here in Macon, especially with regards to former mayors," White said. "We're wasting natural as well as unnatural resources by not re-using our mayors."

One such use White points out is recycling former mayor Tommy Olmstead into a candidate for Bibb County Commission Chairman. "When a former mayor says he has 'nothing better to do,' by gosh we ought to find him a job," White said.

"NewTown Macon president Connie Mac Darnell needs some safety ambassadors. Who do we have better qualified than former mayor Jim Marshall? Everybody remembers how he handled that peeping tom down at the Macon Health Club. We need to recycle Ronnie Thompson, also known as 'Machine Gun Ronnie,' as a safety ambassador or maybe as our smoking policy enforcer---he'll eliminate violators at the courthouse or anywhere in the county for that matter. We need to recycle Lee Robinson and Buck Melton. Macon has enough lawyers, so if they have nothing better to do, we have some openings in Public Works," White said.

Two hundred more Democrats announced their candidacies Tuesday for chair of the Bibb County Commission in this year's elections.

Marshall Burkett Jr. and former Mayor Tommy Olmstead joined Commissioner Joe Allen, former Macon City Councilwoman Thelma Dillard, thirty-four cab drivers, four unemployed residents of the Second Street bridge and 160 others in the Democratic contest.

Olmstead, 70, chose the Second Street bridge to make his announcement. He was accompanied by his family, 20 supporters and about 75 opposing candidates. Burkett, 53, made his announcement from the Spring Street bridge. Others made their announcements via Straight Talk, chat-rooms, email and a few left spray painted messages under the Spring Street bridge. Spring Street is the designated bridge for posting bulletin messages, assembling for census counters and voter registration for the homeless.

Both candidates promised the usual fluff that candidates spout. Burkett, a former bus driver, said he'd push to allocate more funding for additional bus routes---and perhaps a stop near the Spring Street bridge. This brought a cheer from many of Burkett's opponents in the race and startled some sleeping residents nearby.

During his announcement, Olmstead compared himself to Alexander the Great but noted that he still had one job ticket not yet punched in his local/state job-collector's book. "I promise I won't quit to run for governor or President or anything like that," Olmstead said. "But mostly, I'm just bored and need something to do."

On Monday, Commissioner Dennis Dorsey, a mean-spirited Republican, became the lone GOP kamikaze candidate for the commission chairmanship. "It's lonely in the GOP but if I'm going to be lonely, I might as well be lonely at the top," Dorsey said.

Lizella resident Roscoe Bean noticed an amazing shadow on his garage wall and now residents from all over Lizella are flocking to see the "Miracle on Kudzu Road." Many area residents say the shadow formed by streetlights shining through a couple of scuppernong vines is the unmistakable image of the St. Andrew's cross, popularly know as the Confederate Battle flag. Some skeptics disagree and claim they see the unquestionable image of Duane Allman, the late rock legend from Macon. But which ever image they see, people are lining up to take photographs of the "miracle." Unfortunately, those who use a flash aren't getting good results.

Civil rights activist Jesse Jackson said he's concerned about the image and promised to visit Lizella if the image continues to show up. "If the shadow is offensive to me, then down must go the tree," Jackson said. Jackson promised to stage a march and boycott of conventions and tourism in Lizella if their demands are not met.

Merchants in Lizella are "concerned" according to sources but they offered no response for the record.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.